кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г     л       ROTFL Digest!   Volume 2, Issue 6       April, 1995    л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л             Published by Access Media Systems                л     Г
Г     л      Voice: 905-847-7143           Fax: 905-847-7362         л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л  Editor/Official Dishwasher/Elvis Impersonator: Sandy Illes  л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г     л  Contents:                                                   л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л  Editorial and Contest Reminder                              л     Г
Г     л  Likely Stories!                                             л     Г
Г     л  Top Ten Things That Fly Is Doing In Your Soup               л     Г
Г     л  Become A Legal Killer With Our Truck Driver Training School л     Г
Г     л           Of Wheel And Brake Adjustments                     л     Г
Г     л  Top Ten Ways To Know Your Life Is The Most Pathetically     л     Г
Г     л           Boring One On Earth                                л     Г
Г     л  Top Ten Ways To Know If A Guy's Been Married                л     Г
Г     л  Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!                                        л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Editorial                                                             Г
Г    ---------                                                             Г
Г    I hope you guys haven't forgotten about the contest ROTFL Digest      Г
Г    is running! Win a prize by relating your best funny story, joke,      Г
Г    or ascii cartoon to sandy.illes@canrem.com. Win real prizes such      Г
Г    as decorated stationery, original cartoons, or even a CD! Check       Г
Г    out previous issues of ROTFL Digest for contest details!              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Coming soon: An enhanced version of ROTFL Digest with pagination      Г
Г    and all sorts of other goodies! These enhancements are courtesy       Г
Г    of Nick Onoufriou of Blueview Software. If you're interested in       Г
Г    finding out more about Blueview's quality software, contact him at    Г
Г    the following email address: nick.onoufriou@westonia.com              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Also coming soon: A free support board for ROTFL Digest!              Г
Г    Look for more details in ROTFL19.ZIP which will be available          Г
Г    on fine BBS's everywhere in May.                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    We'd like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that ROTFL      Г
Г    Digest is a humor publication and absolutely nothing published in     Г
Г    it is true unless we specifically say it is (like Likely Stories)! :) Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г    All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original          Г
Г    material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will         Г
Г    be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.    Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААГ
Г                                                                          Г
Г     кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП    Г
Г     Г ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS as long as it  Г    Г
Г     Г remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may Г    Г
Г     Г be uploaded to CAP/Canada BBS at (416)287-0935 as a ZIP file. Г    Г
Г     Г Email to sandy.illes@canrem.com  or  Sandy Illes 1:250/710    Г    Г
Г     Г                                                               Г    Г
Г     Г All submissions become the property of Access Media Systems   Г    Г
Г     Г for purposes of publication in ROTFL Digest. The author       Г    Г
Г     Г retains all copyrights eternally for any other purpose.       Г    Г
Г     Г                                                               Г    Г
Г     Г ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes    Г    Г
Г     Г without the express written consent of the publishers.        Г    Г
Г     Г                                                               Г    Г
Г     Г Material reposted from ROTFL Digest MUST be credited.         Г    Г
Г     Г                                     ^^^^                      Г    Г
Г     Г Violators will be persecuted to the fullest extent of         Г    Г
Г     Г our fists.                                                    Г    Г
Г     РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй    Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г       LIKELY STORIES                                                     Г
Г       ==============================================================     Г
Г       GIMME A BURGER, HOLD THE KETCHUP AND SALMONELLA                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Seattle, Washington - Brianne Kiner spent 40 days in a coma        Г
Г       in 1993 due to a Jack In The Box hamburger and has now won         Г
Г       a $15-million US settlement. Brianne, now 12 years old, was        Г
Г       among an estimated 600 people poisoned by contaminated,            Г
Г       undercooked hamburgers sold by Jack In The Box. Three children     Г
Г       died. Brianne was the most acutely ill child to survive but        Г
Г       suffered a stroke which caused brain damage, and also suffered     Г
Г       damage to almost every organ system in her body.                   Г
Г       ("Would you like fries with that? No? Perhaps a lawyer?")          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       NICKEL AND DIMING HIS EMPLOYER                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Cornwall, Ont. - Every week for a year, tellers at a local         Г
Г       Bank of Montreal branch wondered where Bryan Jesmer, 35,           Г
Г       got all those rolls of coins he cashed in. The bank believed       Г
Г       Jesmer, a parking meter attendant with the city, was up to         Г
Г       something and notified the police. Jesmer has pleaded guilty       Г
Г       to stealing $14,511 in coins over several years and was            Г
Г       sentenced to 75 days in jail, as well as being ordered to          Г
Г       repay the money with a three-year probation period. The            Г
Г       city has not yet decided if he will keep his job.                  Г
Г       (Not decided? Oh puh-leeze! The guy is a crook!)                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       THIS DOCTOR IS A REAL CUT-UP                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Tampa, Florida - A man who went into surgery to have his           Г
Г       right foot amputated awoke to discover the left foot was           Г
Г       missing. The unnamed patient, in his 50's, was informed of         Г
Г       the blunder while he was in the recovery room at University        Г
Г       Community Hospital.                                                Г
Г       (And so ends the saga of a man who could have been called          Г
Г       Hopalong...)                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       THANK GOODNESS THESE GUYS HAVEN'T EVOLVED TO USING GUNS            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Henderson, Kentucky - At 6:30 every morning, a bugle               Г
Г       reveille blares from a bullhorn atop Woodring Fryer's home.        Г
Г       Some days, it's followed by a cacophony of barking dogs and        Г
Г       raucous music. Fryer and his next door neighbour, 80-year-         Г
Г       old Charles Kissinger, have been feuding for years over ham        Г
Г       radio transmissions. Fryer, 72, claims Kissinger's radio           Г
Г       signal interferes with his own ham and FM radio reception,         Г
Г       as well as his television, telephones, and other appliances.       Г
Г       In retaliation, he installed the bullhorn 3 cm from the wall       Г
Г       that the two men's homes share.                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       IT'S A 90'S TYPE GADGET                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Montreal, Quebec - A Montreal company, S2RK Advanced               Г
Г       Technologies, will outfit your car with a satellite                Г
Г       tracking system or a panic button for $1,500 plus $600 per         Г
Г       year in monitoring fees. The company links your automobile         Г
Г       to satellites using a product called SatSting. If you're           Г
Г       lost or in danger, just push the white button. If the car          Г
Г       is improperly started, the antenna sends silent messages           Г
Г       to the satellites. The information is then transmitted back        Г
Г       to the earth, where it can  be translated into a location          Г
Г       map with an accuracy of 10 metres. A stolen car or a driver        Г
Г       in danger can be tracked in seconds.                               Г
Г       (That'll pretty much end kids borrowing their parents' car.)       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       WHATEVER HAPPENED TO JUST ORDERING PIZZAS?                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Jacksonville, Florida - 13-year-old Tammy Lynn Esckilsen,          Г
Г       daughter of a hospital clerk, was arrested after obtaining         Г
Г       a list of patients' phone numbers and making prank calls           Г
Г       informing the patients that they had HIV. Tammy Lynn               Г
Г       obtained the list after visiting her mother at work. One           Г
Г       of the teenage girls went for a gun in an attempt to kill          Г
Г       herself after hearing the news that she not only had HIV           Г
Г       but was also pregnant.                                             Г
Г       (Wow, what an endearing sense of humour, eh?)                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       POLITICALLY CORRECT REVENGE IN FAMILY COURT                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Vancouver, B.C. - A 32-year-old father of three insists that       Г
Г       his estranged wife stop smoking or give him sole custody of        Г
Г       the children. Todd McLeod, in a statement designed to warm         Г
Г       the bitter little hearts of the politically correct, claims        Г
Г       he is worried about the effects of second-hand smoke on his        Г
Г       children, who have lived with their mother since the couple        Г
Г       separated a year ago. McLeod said the children, ranging from       Г
Г       ages 3-14 have suffered from colds, chronic coughs, and one        Г
Г       an inner ear infection, illnesses that he believes are linked      Г
Г       to second-hand smoke. No mention was made as to Mr. McLeod's       Г
Г       medical credentials. No mention was also made that colds,          Г
Г       coughs, and inner ear infections are perfectly normal              Г
Г       childhood illnesses.                                               Г
Г       (At least we can all see why she's divorcing him...)               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       YES, YES, YES!                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Toronto, Ont. - The OPP has undertaken an internal                 Г
Г       investigation into a photo radar van being towed for               Г
Г       illegal parking in a Scarborough fire zone. The van                Г
Г       had been tagged and towed after it was parked for more             Г
Г       than 30 minutes in the fire zone.                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Moncton, N.B. - Raymond Falle, 75, won $5.5 million in             Г
Г       Canada's Lotto 6/49 draw. When asked what he intended              Г
Г       to do with the money, Falle replied that he wanted to              Г
Г       get a better hearing aid and a new set of teeth.                   Г
Г       (Heck, now he can afford to get a set of gold teeth...             Г
Г       maybe a set of gold teeth with diamonds... yeah, that's            Г
Г       the ticket!)                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       OH SURE, IT WOULD BE REAL EASY TO MIX THESE GUYS UP                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Seattle, Washington - The Kellogg Co. has opposed the              Г
Г       trademark application of a steel band called the Toucans,          Г
Г       claiming the band might be confused with Toucan Sam, a             Г
Г       cartoon associated with its Froot Loops cereal. A                  Г
Г       proposed settlement from Kellogg asks that the Toucans             Г
Г       not sell cereal, mention Kellogg or the name "Sam," or             Г
Г       use a bird that resembles Toucan Sam. Should the band              Г
Г       ever use a talking Toucan, it must not have a British,             Г
Г       New Zealand, or Australian accent.                                 Г
Г       (All band members named Sam must presumably resign and             Г
Г       if they're ever interviewed by Sam Donaldson, the band             Г
Г       will have to call him Anton...)                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       BIKERS GET GOVERNMENT FUNDS                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Montreal, Quebec - A $105,000 loan from the Federal                Г
Г       Business Development Bank helped the Rock Machine                  Г
Г       motorcycle gang buy its fortress-like headquarters,                Г
Г       according to Le Journal de Montreal. The gang is now               Г
Г       involved in a vicious turf war for control of Montreal's           Г
Г       lucrative drug trade and the bank, a government agency,            Г
Г       wants their money back. The agency defended the loan,              Г
Г       saying the application was made by Guy Lepage, not the             Г
Г       bikers. Lepage, 47, a former Montreal police officer,              Г
Г       was recently released after a two-year prison term for             Г
Г       laundering profits of the drug trade between Quebec and            Г
Г       B.C.                                                               Г
Г       (Doesn't the bank bother to check out the people who               Г
Г       receive money from them?)                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       MAYBE IT LOOKS CLOSER ON A MAP?                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Bonfield, Ontario - An unidentified 26-year-old Paris              Г
Г       man became irate because the Greyhound bus wasn't                  Г
Г       reaching his destination fast enough, so he tried to               Г
Г       grab the steering wheel of the moving bus. He fell out             Г
Г       the door and died as the driver tried to bring the                 Г
Г       swerving bus under control. The French tourist wanted              Г
Г       to go to Vancouver and thought it was only two hours               Г
Г       from Ottawa. Vancouver is in fact a 4,700-kilometre                Г
Г       road trip from Ottawa and takes about three days of                Г
Г       travelling.                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       OH PUH-LEEZE                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Toronto, Ont. - Far Horizons Inc, is offering a six-day            Г
Г       London theatre tour for gays, lesbians, and friends.               Г
Г       Included in the $1,499 per person (double occupancy)               Г
Г       price is air fare, a flexible itinerary with sightseeing           Г
Г       and two nights of theatre performances.                            Г
Г       (What, no condoms or vaseline??)                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       NO WONDER SOME KIDS GROW UP TO KILL THEIR PARENTS                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Riverside, Calif. - A woman received four years in jail            Г
Г       for hanging up the telephone as her son tried to report            Г
Г       that his 7-year-old sister was being raped by their new            Г
Г       stepfather. The mother's name is being withheld to                 Г
Г       protect the privacy of the little girl. The attack                 Г
Г       occurred barely three hours after the mother wed Frank             Г
Г       Cisco Bridges in January, 1994. Bridges, 44, is serving            Г
Г       38 years for five convictions of rape and child                    Г
Г       molestation. The mother and child are both infected with           Г
Г       the AIDS virus.                                                    Г
Г       (The mother obviously learned nothing from June Cleaver.)          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       AND AMERICANS PAY BIG BUCKS FOR THEIR HEALTH CARE                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Dallas, Texas - Benjamin Jones, 62, died of cancer after           Г
Г       a surgeon at Osteopathic Medical Center of Texas                   Г
Г       removed his healthy right lung and left a tumor in his             Г
Г       left lung. His family has just settled a suit with the             Г
Г       hospital for about $9 million although the hospital                Г
Г       admitted no wrongdoing. The lawsuit alleged there was              Г
Г       confusion over the location of Jones's tumor one week              Г
Г       after the surgery, but the hospital did not advise                 Г
Г       Jones of it. Jones discovered the mistake on his own               Г
Г       when he reviewed his medical records after switching               Г
Г       health plans.                                                      Г
Г       (Who was his doctor - Dr. Kevorkian?)                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       IT WAS EASY FOR THE GIRLS TO GET AN "A" IN HIS CLASS               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Sault Ste. Marie, Canada - A 46-year-old teacher,                  Г
Г       Kenneth DeLuca, has been ordered to stand trial on                 Г
Г       40 charges of sexually abusing about 20 female                     Г
Г       students over a 10-year period. Charges include:                   Г
Г       23 charges of indecent assault, 11 charges of sexual               Г
Г       assault, four charges of sexual touching while in a                Г
Г       position of trust, one charge of sexual interference,              Г
Г       and one charge of forcible confinement.                            Г
Г       ("Not detention AGAIN, Mr. DeLuca!")                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       PROOF THAT THE END OF THE WORLD MUST BE NEAR                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       London, England - Former Beatle Paul McCartney and Yoko            Г
Г       Ono, wife of the late John Lennon, have made up after              Г
Г       years of hostility. To make matters even worse for the             Г
Г       public, the two families recorded a piece by Yoko Ono              Г
Г       called Hiroshima Sky Is Always Blue.                               Г
Г       (Earplug sales are bound to go wayyyyy up!)                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       IS THAT YOU, GROUCHO?                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Orlando, Florida - The surveillance camera photo of a              Г
Г       robber at a branch of the Barnett Bank in Orlando                  Г
Г       showed a man who seemed to be wearing a disguise                   Г
Г       consisting of fake glasses with a large nose attached,             Г
Г       but witnesses said the man's nose was his own so the               Г
Г       Orlando Sentinel published the photo. Numerous people              Г
Г       called the crime tips hotline to identify the man as               Г
Г       Chuck Newman.                                                      Г
Г       (Maybe he needed the heist money for a nose job?)                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       CRIME WARS                                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Thieves are becoming more and more bizarre. In recent              Г
Г       robberies: A spray bottle of toilet cleanser was                   Г
Г       pointed at a shopkeeper in Norwich, Ont.; a manhole                Г
Г       cover was brandished by a Chicago mugger; a golf ball              Г
Г       was wielded by robbers in Evansville, Ill.; a pitchfork            Г
Г       was used by one of two men during a store robbery in               Г
Г       Greensboro, N.C.                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Naturally, law-abiding folks are fighting back with                Г
Г       whatever they can. Weapons recently used to foil                   Г
Г       robberies include: A large spatula and oven scrub                  Г
Г       brush during an attempted pizzeria robbery in Dayton,              Г
Г       Ohio; a can of Raid was used by a homeowner in Stark               Г
Г       County, Ohio, to temporarily blind a burglar.                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Just what do these thieves want? Well, it's not just               Г
Г       money anymore. Two thieves in Loveland, Colorado were              Г
Г       accused of stealing five hedgehogs from a pet store;               Г
Г       two men in Yuba City, Calif., attempted to steal a                 Г
Г       still-hot barbecue grill at a (get this!) county                   Г
Г       probation office picnic; a man was charged with digging            Г
Г       up and taking 1,500 Venus fly trap plants in Wilmington,           Г
Г       N.C.; a 42-year-old man was charged with stealing six              Г
Г       slabs of the sidewalk at Forest Ave. and Shehy St. in              Г
Г       Youngstown, Ohio; in Long Hill, N.J., someone has been             Г
Г       stealing doorbells.                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       AND JUST WHEN WILL STUPIDITY BE MADE A CRIME?                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Antioch, Calif. - A 31-year-old woman was arrested                 Г
Г       after walking into a police station carrying a bag                 Г
Г       of illegal drugs. She wanted the drugs tested because              Г
Г       she thought her boyfriend had added hallucinogens to               Г
Г       it.                                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г       TOP TEN THINGS THAT FLY IS DOING IN YOUR SOUP                      Г
Г                                 (c)1995 Sandy Illes                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г      10. Hoping the soup belongs to Christie Brinkley.                   Г
Г       9. Wishing he could complain to the chef.                          Г
Г       8. Holding a secret meeting with Elvis and the aliens.             Г
Г       7. Holding his breath so he won't drown.                           Г
Г       6. Newest fly craze - snorting soup.                               Г
Г       5. Praying that you're a figment of his imagination.               Г
Г       4. Wondering how you would taste.                                  Г
Г       3. Soup review for "The Daily Flypaper."                           Г
Г       2. Waiting for the dessert tray.                                   Г
Г       1. Wishing the chef had used a little less salt.                   Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г       Advertisement               (c)1995 Sandy Illes                    Г
Г       -------------                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       BECOME A LEGAL KILLER WITH OUR TRUCK DRIVER TRAINING SCHOOL OF     Г
Г       WHEEL AND BRAKE ADJUSTMENTS!                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Are you afraid to kill someone because you might get caught and    Г
Г       end up in jail and be forced to spend the rest of your life with   Г
Г       a boyfriend named Spike? Now you can forget your worries and       Г
Г       kill with impunity by signing up for the TRUCK DRIVER TRAINING     Г
Г       SCHOOL OF WHEEL AND BRAKE ADJUSTMENTS!                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       In our valuable course, you'll learn how to over-tighten those     Г
Г       wheel nuts just enough so that some pathetic car driver will       Г
Г       feel the full wrath of your tires as they pound his car and his    Г
Г       head into spaghetti sauce. Learn how to loosen your brakes so      Г
Г       that you can drive right through that Honda Accord instead of      Г
Г       being stuck in traffic behind it.                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Other course material to be covered include:                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       - Driving side by side with another tractor trailer so you can     Г
Г       make mincemeat out of that Ferrari.                                Г
Г       - How to effectively abuse the air horn to scare car drivers       Г
Г       into veering off the road.                                         Г
Г       - Why you should give the finger to car drivers who cut you off    Г
Г       (because you're 80,000 pounds stronger than them).                 Г
Г       - Plus much more!                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Our guarantee:                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Remember, if you haven't killed at least three people within a     Г
Г       week of completing this course, we promise to either refund        Г
Г       your money or have one of our experienced professionals do the     Г
Г       killing for you!                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Send a non-refundable cheque or money order for $12,929.37 to:     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       TRUCK DRIVER TRAINING SCHOOL OF WHEEL AND BRAKE ADJUSTMENTS        Г
Г       1234 Loose Wheel Went That-a-Way                                   Г
Г       Toronto, Ontario, Canada 3M TA3                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Name: ________________________________________________________     Г
Г       Address: _____________________________________________________     Г
Г       City: _____________________________ State/Prov. ______________     Г
Г       Zip/Postal Code: _____________________________________________     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       __ Yes, please enroll me in the Truck Driver School of Wheel       Г
Г          and Brake Adjustments! I want to become a legal killer as       Г
Г          soon as possible!                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       I am most interested in killing:                                   Г
Г          __ Spouse                                                       Г
Г          __ Aunt/Uncle                                                   Г
Г          __ Brother/Sister                                               Г
Г          __ Mailman or any Canada Post employee                          Г
Г          __ A cop                                                        Г
Г          __ Neighbour's dog who won't stop talking to me                 Г
Г          __ Elvis who is living as a transvestite in my garage           Г
Г          __ Random innocent victims                                      Г
Г          __ Anyone                                                       Г
Г          __ Everyone                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       I have previous experience in the following methods of killing:    Г
Г          __ Shooting                                                     Г
Г          __ Knifing                                                      Г
Г          __ Drowning                                                     Г
Г          __ Stuffing peas up someone's nose to make them suffocate       Г
Г          __ Vehicular manslaughter (Yeah!)                               Г
Г          __ (fill in the blank) __________________________________       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Do you have a valid driver's licence?                              Г
Г       __ Yes      __ No      __ Who cares?                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       * This course has been disapproved by the Ontario Ministry of      Г
Г         Transport.                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г      ** The Truck Driver School of Wheel and Brake Adjustments           Г
Г         disclaims all liability from people who have received            Г
Г         this course.                                                     Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW YOUR LIFE IS THE MOST PATHETICALLY BORING     Г
Г       ONE ON EARTH                         (c)1995 Sandy Illes           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г 10. In the school yearbook, the inscription under your name said         Г
Г     "Least likely to be wearing clean underwear."                        Г
Г  9. You've memorized the TV Guide.                                       Г
Г  8. You cheat playing Solitaire.                                         Г
Г  7. Your bowel movements make the front page of the local paper.         Г
Г  6. The only mail you receive is addressed to "Occupant."                Г
Г  5. Your blooms-once-in-a-lifetime plant bloomed while you were in the   Г
Г     bathroom.                                                            Г
Г  4. Your relatives don't talk to you but they think you look vaguely     Г
Г     familiar.                                                            Г
Г  3. You once took a bath but the police made you put it back.            Г
Г  2. You dry your hair by hanging it on the clothesline. <ouch>           Г
Г  1. Aliens are in contact with your pet but they won't bother talking    Г
Г     to you.                                                              Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г Top Ten Ways To Tell If A Guy's Been Married  (c)1995 Sandy Illes        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г 10. Knows how to defrost his own TV dinner.                              Г
Г  9. Knows that a washer is a required household item but is not          Г
Г     quite sure why.                                                      Г
Г  8. Can chug beer, watch sports, and say "Yes, dear" at the              Г
Г     same time.                                                           Г
Г  7. Is always surprised when a woman says yes to sex.                    Г
Г  6. Doesn't use the same brush for his teeth and his hair anymore.       Г
Г  5. Understands himself well enough to have hired a cleaning lady.       Г
Г  4. Hates lawyers and says "Over my dead body" a lot.                    Г
Г  3. Spends a whole day washing his car while, in the meantime, he        Г
Г     doesn't have one clean coffee mug in the house.                      Г
Г  2. Likes it when a girl calls him Snookums.                             Г
Г  1. Has matching socks that he never wears because they remind him       Г
Г     of his ex.                                                           Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES  Г
Г==========================================================================Г
Г       A rich guy and a poor guy were in a bar. After talking             Г
Г       for a while, they found that their wives had the same              Г
Г       birthday. The poor guy asked the rich guy, "What did               Г
Г       you get your wife for her birthday?" The rich guy said,            Г
Г       "A fur coat and a Rolls Royce." The poor guy said,                 Г
Г       "That's a pretty strange combination, why did you get              Г
Г       her both a coat and a car?"                                        Г
Г       The rich guy said, "Well, I figured if she didn't like             Г
Г       the fur coat, she could have a new car to drive it back            Г
Г       and exchange it for something else." Then the rich guy             Г
Г       asked the poor guy, "What did you get your wife for her            Г
Г       birthday?" The poor guy said, "Well, I don't have much             Г
Г       money, so I got her a bathrobe and a dildo." "A bathrobe           Г
Г       and a dildo?" the rich man asked. "Talk about weird                Г
Г       combinations... why did you get her a bathrobe and a               Г
Г       dildo?"                                                            Г
Г       The poor man replied, "Well, I figured if she didn't               Г
Г       like the bathrobe, she could go screw herself!"                    Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an           Г
Г       elevator operator?                                                 Г
Г       Someone who knocks on your door and tells you where to get         Г
Г       off.                                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a            Г
Г       sex therapist?                                                     Г
Г       Someone who knocks on your door and tells you *how* to get         Г
Г       off.                                                               Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       A lady told her new maid, "I declare, I can write my full name     Г
Г       in the dust you've left on this piano."                            Г
Г       "Bless my soul," answered the maid with delight.  "It's sure       Г
Г       nice to be working for a lady with education!"                     Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       A sergeant looked over a squad of particularly inept draftees      Г
Г       and confessed, "I'm damned if I know what to do with you clumsy    Г
Г       goons."                                                            Г
Г       One of them piped up hopefully, "There's a big shade tree over     Г
Г       there, Sarge."                                                     Г
Г       "Yeah, I know," nodded the sergeant, "but I don't have any rope    Г
Г       with me."                                                          Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       It was little Johnny's first day in his new school and when        Г
Г       he obtained permission from his 2nd grade teacher to go to         Г
Г       the bathroom, he said he didn't know where it was. The             Г
Г       teacher said, "Turn left out the door, then right at the           Г
Г       next corridor; it's on your right."                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       But when Johnny returned a few minutes later, he told the          Г
Г       teacher he'd been unable to find it. The teacher said,             Г
Г       "Well, I really don't know why, but Billy, would you please        Г
Г       show Johnny where the bathroom is?" So Billy and Johnny            Г
Г       went out the door.                                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       When they both returned a few minutes later, the teacher           Г
Г       commented, "Well, it's about time. I really don't know why         Г
Г       Johnny couldn't find it himself."                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Billy said, "I do, Teacher. His undershorts were on backwards."    Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Q.  What do you call Bob Hawke's goolies?                          Г
Г       A.  Blanched hazelnuts.                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Explanations..                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Bob Hawke ........  Ex prime minister                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Hazel Hawke ......  Ex prime minister's wife                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Blanch D'Puge ....  Ex prime minister's new girlfriend.            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       goolies ..........  Important part of male anatomy.                Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГA man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's                           Г
Гhopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything   Г
Гbesides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves   Г
Гand under trees.                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГOne afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods.                  Г
ГIt has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other          Г
Гbuildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the           Г
Гchimney, implying someone is home.                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГHe knocks on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the      Г
Гground answers. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you       Г
Гwant?"                                                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГThe man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks                    Г
Гand haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would           Г
Гbe most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house           Г
Гfor tonight."                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГThe old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one                    Г
Гcondition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГThe man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I                  Г
Гpromise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way                  Г
Гtomorrow morning."                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГThe old Chinese man counters, "Ok, but if I do catch you                  Г
Гthen I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever             Г
Гknown to man."                                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г"Ok, Ok," the man said as he entered the old house.                       Г
ГBesides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live             Г
Гout in the wilderness all her life?                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГWell, that night, when the man came down to eat (after                    Г
Гshowering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was           Г
Гan absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks,           Г
Гit had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl         Г
Гhad only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and             Г
Гwell, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other                   Г
Гthroughout the meal.                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГThat night, the man sneaked into the girl's bedroom and                   Г
Гthey had quite a time, but kept the noise down to a minimum.              Г
ГThe man crept back to his room later that night thinking to               Г
Гhimself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that            Г
Гexperience."                                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГWell, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight                    Г
Гon his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on          Г
Гhis chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture             Г
Гtest: 100 lb rock on your chest."                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as                Г
Гhe got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter            Г
Гand threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock was another           Г
Гsign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right           Г
Гtesticle."                                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГThe man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to                    Г
Гbe grabbed, jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the             Г
Гwindow was a  third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test:          Г
ГLeft testicle tied to  bed post."                                         Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       What do Michael Jackson's boyfriends call him?                     Г
Г       Uncle.                                                             Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       "Mr. Simpson, did you kill your wife?"                             Г
Г       "Hell no, sir! She killed herself and then killed her friend!"     Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Apparently, Rita MacNeil found out she is infected with flesh-eating     Г
Г bacteria. That's right, the same bacteria that did away Lucien           Г
Г Bouchard's leg overnight. The doctors gave her only 15 years to live.    Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Knock...Knock                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Who's there?                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Interrupting Cow                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Interrup..                                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       MOO!!!                                                             Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The Lone Ranger and his trusty sidekick were riding through a      Г
Г       small town, and decided to stop in the local saloon for a drink.   Г
Г       The Lone Ranger noticed that his horse was a bit overheated,       Г
Г       so he asked his trusty sidekick a favor.                           Г
Г       "Tonto, I'm afraid Silver is a bit hot...might you cool him for    Г
Г       me?"                                                               Г
Г       Tonto says, "Of course, Kemosabe, but how?"                        Г
Г       "Just run around him in circles to fan him off."                   Г
Г       So the 'Ranger leaves his trusty sidekick and goes in for a        Г
Г       drink.                                                             Г
Г       A few minutes later, a cowboy approaches him and asks, "Excuse     Г
Г       me, sir, but do you know who owns that beautiful silver horse      Г
Г       out front?"                                                        Г
Г      "I do," replies the 'Ranger.                                        Г
Г      "Well, sir, you've left your injun running."                        Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Consider the case of the hen that observed the undisciplined       Г
Г       behavior of her youngest chick with obvious disapproval. "If       Г
Г       your father could see you now," she cackled disgustedly,           Г
Г       "he'd turn over in his gravy."                                     Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q: What's the rarest food in Ethiopia?                                   Г
Г A: After dinner mints.                                                   Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Ethiopian woman and Yoko Ono?  Both live off dead Beatles.               Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Have you heard of the new Jeffery Dahmer shampoo?                  Г
Г       Heads and Shoulders.                                               Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       A woman walks into a police station.                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Woman: I've been graped! I've been graped!                         Г
Г       Cop: Don't you mean raped?                                         Г
Г       Woman: (pauses) No, there was a bunch of them.                     Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    A man was arrested one night for running across Red Square yelling    Г
Г    "Khrushchev is a fool! Khrushchev is a fool!"                         Г
Г    He was arrested and given 10 years - 5 for slandering the leader, and Г
Г    5 for revealing a state secret.                                       Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г    On a bright, warm spring day, somewhere on Vancouver Island a         Г
Г    certain resident of East Indian origin was shaking his rug on         Г
Г    his front porch.                                                      Г
Г    A passerby saw him, couldn't help himself and blurted, "What is the   Г
Г    problem? Can't get it started?"                                       Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Interesting statistic from Harper's Index:                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Between 1980 and 1990, eleven Americans were killed as a result          Г
Г of shaking vending machines which then fell on them.  Of those           Г
Г eleven people killed, all of them were members of the US Armed           Г
Г Forces.                                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г The Few... The Proud... the Squashed Flat As a Pancake for a Lousy       Г
Г Snickers Bar...                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г We Get Squashed Flatter Before 8am Than Most People Do All Day           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Be As Flat as You Can Be in The Army..                                   Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Mary Poppins gives up being a nanny and retires to the west coast        Г
Г of the United States.  She becomes bored and opens up a small            Г
Г detective agency specializing in solving crimes using her psychic        Г
Г ability and strong nose.                                                 Г
Г She opened a small space on Hollywood Boulevard and posted her sign      Г
Г proudly. It read:                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г          Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.                       Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN......                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Q  A goldfish and a mountain goat?                                 Г
Г       A  One mucks around in fountains.                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Q  A magician's wand and a policeman's baton?                      Г
Г       A  One is used for cunning stunts.                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Q  A cross eyed archer and a constipated owl?                      Г
Г       A   One shoots but can't hit.                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Q  A Swiss admiral and a reliable vacuum cleaner?                  Г
Г       A  One sucks and sucks and never fails.                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Q  A war horse and a draught horse?                                Г
Г       A  One darts into the fray.                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Q  A good girl and a nice girl?                                    Г
Г       A  A good girl has the bloom of youth in her cheeks but            Г
Г          the nice girl has the cheek of youth in her bloomers.           Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г       Clinton Condoms:  ONE will screw an entire nation.                 Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г A man died and went to hell. When he got there, he was led to a room     Г
Г that turned out to be a parochial school classroom. The meanest          Г
Г battle axe of a nun then came to the front of the room and ordered       Г
Г the man to sit up straight and listen. From time the man would           Г
Г slouch in his seat or doze off, and every such time the nun would        Г
Г rap the man's knuckles. Also, from time to time the nun would            Г
Г interrupt her lecture and order the man to repeat what he had heard.     Г
Г If he forgot anything, she would rap his knuckles and berate him.        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г After several days of this, the man got up, left the room, and           Г
Г demanded to see the devil in charge. "How long does this have to         Г
Г go on?" he demanded.                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "Forever."                                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "Can't I be thrown in a fiery pit instead?" he asked.                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "No."                                                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "I thought hell was fire and brimstone--not Catholic school!"            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "For some people, but not you."                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "But why me?"                                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Finally the devil explained: "You have to go back to that room           Г
Г and stay there forever for that nun.  You see, she's in Heaven."         Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       So one day, 'Six-gun' Sol ambles into town on his trusty           Г
Г       steed and reins in at the saloon. Eight days on that               Г
Г       dusty old Audit Trail had left Sol with a mighty powerful          Г
Г       thirst.                                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Hours pass, and after negotiating the price of several             Г
Г       whiskeys, Sol decides it's time to ride on. He shuffles            Г
Г       out into the street, only to find that someone has painted         Г
Г       his horse's balls bright yellow.                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       'Six-gun' Sol turns on (and picks up) a dime, and barges           Г
Г       back into the saloon.                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       "So, who deh hell's deh funny guy what's painted my horse's        Г
Г       balls yallow?" demands Sol.                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Well, the biggest, hairiest, meanest, dirtiest, ugliest,           Г
Г       baddest man in the west steps forward, eyes wild with              Г
Г       psychopathic frenzy, and looking waaaay down at Sol says,          Г
Г       "I did!  What about it, pipsqueak?"                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Sol looks back at him steelily (?) and answers, "I just            Г
Г       thought you'd like to know dat deh first coat is dry now!"         Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The little Russian girl answered the door, and a man asked         Г
Г       to see her father. "I'm sorry, he's not home," she replied,        Г
Г       "but he'll be back in eight hours, forty minutes and               Г
Г       twenty-three seconds." "How can you be so exact?" "He's            Г
Г       orbiting the earth," she said.  "He's a cosmonaut."                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       "How about your mother?" "No, she's not here either."              Г
Г       "When will she be back?" "Who knows?" answered the girl.           Г
Г       "She went to buy bread."                                           Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The press, interviewing Senator Kennedy, asked the Senator,        Г
Г       "Weren't you concerned that your nephew may have been              Г
Г       convicted for rape?"                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       To which the Senator replied, "The family decided we'd drive       Г
Г       off that bridge when we came to it."                               Г
Г---------------------------------------------------------------------     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       How can you tell the virgin at an <insert ethnic group of          Г
Г       your choice> wedding?                                              Г
Г       She's the one who isn't pregnant.                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй